


He Wears a Pair of Silver Wings

by TempestHeart



Series: Praise the Lord and Pass the Ammunition [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angel Sam, Angel Sam Winchester, Angst, Asexual Character, Asexual Relationship, Asexuality, Asexy April, Depression, Developing Relationship, Drinking, Father-Son Relationship, Flashbacks, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Human Gabriel, Hurt Gabriel, Impotence, M/M, Nightmares, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Sam Winchester, Religious Discussion, Reverse 'Verse, Role Reversal, Roommates, Suicidal Thoughts, World War II
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-25
Updated: 2014-04-25
Packaged: 2018-01-20 18:18:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,526
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1520708
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TempestHeart/pseuds/TempestHeart
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>How Sam helps Gabriel get back on track after he is sent home from the war and how he manages to make Gabriel happy again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	He Wears a Pair of Silver Wings

**Author's Note:**

> A small warning for one reference to suicidal thoughts.
> 
> The title "He Wears a Pair of Silver Wings" is another WWII song, written in 1941 by Eric Maschwitz and Michael Carr. You can listen to it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TndrDdX4xfY This particular version is sung by Dinah Shore.

Being back home is different. Gabriel has no idea how he did it before. Everything is a chore, there are days when Gabriel does not even manage to get out of bed. The people who has not been in a war zone does not understand. Gabriel is hailed a hero. People congratulate him on the street. Young boys ask how many people he shot, what it feels like to kill another person. Gabriel does not want to remember. Those days, he drinks whiskey until he falls asleep on the couch. He always wakes up in the bedroom. He gruffly thanks Sam for putting him to bed, and Sam always just smiles gently when he does. 

He is lucky that Sam is with him, even if people are starting to whisper things behind their backs. Gabriel knows what it is all about. They think he is one of those. He does not have a woman in his life and the fact that he is living together with Sam is enough for some to speculate that Gabriel is abnormal. The truth is that the amount of attraction and lust Gabriel feels nowadays is zero. He is pretty sure his disgust with himself and the constant vague feeling of pain in his leg makes it impossible for him to get it up. No one wants a broken man, and Gabriel feels more broken than most. 

The night terrors and the flashbacks are the worst. The more or less constant feeling of pain he can deal with, but waking up in the middle of the night screaming or being unable to ride a train because it throws him right back into the war, that is what breaks Gabriel. He feels fragile. It is a feeling that leaves him uncomfortable in his own skin.

He is twenty three years old, but he feels like he has lived a lifetime already. He should be young and carefree, living the life of a spoiled brat like he did before the war. He just cannot go back to that false illusion of happiness anymore. He goes to church a lot. He listens to his father’s sermons, always sitting in the back of the church and not in the front as he did before. He does not want anyone to look at him and see how broken he has become. Sam is always right next to him. Sam has become Gabriel’s lifeline, his anchor in the world. Gabriel is pretty sure that he would have put a bullet in his brain the first month back if Sam had not been there. 

Gabriel walks around in a daze for a couple of months. He has no idea what he is going to with his life. People notice that he seems lost. They never understand. They all just say that he has his whole life ahead of him and that he should get started on it already. That he should find himself a nice girl, get a job and be happy. Gabriel always snort in response. If it only was that simple. Gabriel envies those who seem to think it is that simple. 

He speaks with his father. Gabriel has always had a close relationship with his dad. As the youngest son growing up with only one parent, his dad is his safety net. Gabriel speaks about his shame and loss of faith. He holds back on some of the details on how he regained it and only claims to have seen the light when he was shot. He figures that no one needs to know that the light came in form of a person. His dad is understanding and says it is normal for a person’s faith to waver and that there is no shame in that fact. Gabriel just hugs his dad as he cries in relief that his dad still loves him and cares for him. 

One day when he gets home, there are a ton of brochures on the dinner table. Sam is sitting there looking expectantly at him. 

“What’s all this?” Gabriel says as he peers to make sense of the colorful papers. 

“Colleges.” Sam says with a smile. 

“Colleges?” Gabriel stares at him dumbly.

“Yes.” Sam nods, still smiling. “You need to move on, Gabriel. The war is behind you, but you are still there in your mind. Your mind needs to be occupied with something else.” 

Gabriel snorts. “And what are you gonna do when I’m in college? I doubt they’re gonna let you stay with me in the dorm just on the basis that I can’t do anything without you.” Gabriel’s cheeks redden at the honesty. 

Sam smiles widely. “I will enroll as well.” He grins a little. “There will be no problem faking my credentials. I have done so before.” 

Gabriel is highly sceptic but he humors the angel. “So what are you gonna study?” 

Sam pushes several of the brochures forward. “Law.” He says with a grin. 

Gabriel shakes his head, but he sits down by the table and starts looking through the brochures. He is not sure he is ready for college, but Sam has been right about things so far and Gabriel trusts his judgment. There should be more to life than grief and guilt, after all.

…

Gabriel decides to go to college after much deliberation and some drinking. He is tired of being broken and feeling like he cannot be fixed. His dad is overjoyed when Gabriel tells him that he has applied for several colleges and hopes to study law. The amount of pride in his dad’s gaze and voice has Gabriel holding back tears. He wants to be a good son. He wants to be someone his dad can be proud of.

Gabriel has no expectations on where he might be accepted. Sam seems full of confidence, but Gabriel cannot get himself to feel too much hope. He used to be a good student before the war though, so he thinks his chances are decent. 

They both get into Stanford. Gabriel has no idea how he managed that. But for the first time since he got shipped out he feels a measure of pride in himself. The amount of pride in himself is nothing compared to his father’s pride when he tells the whole congregation after his sermon that Gabriel is going to Stanford. Gabriel blushes under the curios stares and smiles from the people in his father’s flock. A whole bunch of them congratulate him afterwards. The pink color does not leave Gabriel cheeks for hours that day. When he goes to bed that night, it is the first time he can remember smiling before falling asleep for a long time. 

…

“Come on, Gabriel! Are you not excited?!” Sam is vibrating in his seat in the car as they pull up at the university. 

Gabriel laughs at him. “Yeah, I am. But I’m still capable of sitting still like an adult.” 

Sam makes a sour face that has Gabriel laughing even more. As the taxi stops outside the dorms, Sam almost throws himself out of the car. Gabriel does not want to admit that he practically does the same. They get to share a room, since Gabriel has explained that he has night terrors and does not want to disturb anyone else. That was a very embarrassing thing to admit, but the university had been very understanding. Their status as veterans helps them a lot. The G.I. Bill pays for their tuition and the fact that both of them were wounded in the war also grants them some benefits. Their room is small but Gabriel does not care, neither does Sam. They like being close to each other. Gabriel needs closeness to affirm that he is, in fact alive and fairly healthy. 

The semester starts. It takes a while for Gabriel to return to the mindset of a student, but when he does, he thoroughly enjoys himself. The night terrors are still there, the flashbacks are still horrible and some people still ask stupid questions, but Gabriel feels happier. He is nowhere near where he was before the war in terms of happiness. Deep down he knows he never will be that happy again. He aims for content these days.

“Gabriel.” He is laying on his bed a Friday night just thinking when Sam’s voice interrupts him. 

“Yeah?” He says and turns his head so that he is looking at Sam.

“Jessica asked me out.” Sam actually looks scared. “What do I do?” 

Gabriel chuckles at him. Even though he knows intellectually that Sam is older than he can even fathom, sometimes the angel is like a child. “Well, do you like her?” 

Sam nods slowly. “She is nice.” 

Gabriel shrugs as his stomach does something funny when he thinks of Sam with Jessica Moore. “Then go out with her.” 

Sam’s face twists into a grimace. “But I do not desire her. I fear I might make the wrong impression if I accept.” 

Gabriel frowns. “What do you mean?”

Sam makes a small motion with his hand. Gabriel has no idea what it is supposed to mean. “I am an angel of the Lord. I have no desires of the flesh. It must seem odd to you, but that is how we are created.” 

They never talk about these things. They talk about feelings and memories and what to have for lunch. Sex has been an off limits topic up until now. Probably because neither of them is having any. 

Gabriel snorts. “Odd? I haven’t gotten it up since before I was shot.” He says. “So trust me, I know what you mean. I can’t get it up and I’ve stopped wanting to.” 

Sam leans his head to the side in confusion. “You do not experience urges of the flesh? But that is not how God created you. You are meant to procreate.”

Gabriel shrugs. “But that’s how I am. I don’t wanna do it anymore.”

Sam nods slowly. “I see.” Gabriel knows that he does not, not really but he knows Sam. Sam will think it over and then ask questions later.

They are silent for a while. Gabriel can almost hear Sam thinking though. 

“I think I shall have to decline Jessica’s invitation.” Sam says finally. “It would be unfair to her if I accepted.”

Gabriel nods. “I think you’re right. People don’t understand that you don’t wanna get with a girl, y’know.” He looks at the ceiling. “They’ll probably think we’re a pair of queers before they’ll think that we ain’t having sex at all.”

Sam makes a discontent noise. “I do not understand humans’ occupation with the ‘right’ and ’wrong’ sexuality. My father does not care.”

Gabriel arches an eyebrow in surprise and looks at him. “Really? I mean the Bible is pretty clear on the subject.” 

Sam shrugs. “It is an interpretative work. Humans have distorted my father’s word.”

“Huh.” Gabriel just says. He has no idea how to respond to that. 

They are silent for a while again. Gabriel contemplates the fact that the Bible can be wrong. He wonders what else has been changed by humans to fit their prejudices. 

“I want to be in a relationship with you.” 

If Gabriel had been drinking he would have spit the liquid right out at that.

“Did I miss anything here?” He says. “You don’t wanna have sex. I can’t have sex. Isn’t that the whole point with a relationship?” 

Sam frowns and looks disappointed. “Relationships are about companionship, which is not necessarily sexual in nature.” 

“But why do you wanna be in a relationship then? You’ll get nothing out of it.” Gabriel is honestly confused.

Sam actually blushes at the question and it takes a few seconds before he answers. “In Heaven, I am very close to my brothers and sisters. I have not spent much time apart from them before. I suppose I feel lonely. But I do not feel lonely when I am with you and…” He pauses. “If we were in a relationship you might be persuaded to hold me once in a while.” Sam’s cheeks are cherry red at the end of his sentence. 

Gabriel smirks. “So you wanna cuddle with me.” Sam nods sharply and does not look at him. 

Gabriel mulls it over. He feels no attraction to Sam, but to be fair, he does not feel any attraction to anyone these days. He enjoys the closeness he has with Sam already and the thought of never having the pressure of having sex with someone is also nice and a load off for Gabriel. He pictures hugging and kissing Sam. That gives him a warm feeling in his chest. And since Sam has told him that God does not care if his relationship is with a man or a woman, Gabriel feels strangely liberated.

He walks over to Sam and hugs him. Sam’s arms tentatively come up around his shoulders. It feels warm and safe. Gabriel is certain he could get used to it. “Let’s do it.” He says to Sam whose only response is hugging him harder.

…

The first time they sleep in the same bed, Gabriel does not wake up from his night terrors. They never sleep apart after that. They try kissing after a while. They both enjoy it. They hold hands and kiss in private. They cuddle and hug each other. Gabriel is more than content, he is happy.

“I love you.” Sam says out of the blue a Sunday afternoon a month before graduation. 

Gabriel smiles at him. “I love you too, Sam.”

…

They start a law firm together after graduation. They are successful and happy. Gabriel’s siblings marry and have kids. Gabriel loves to borrow them, but does not dream of having his own. People finally stop asking Gabriel about women when he turns forty. That is when his father pulls him aside and asks the question Gabriel has anticipated for years. 

“Gabriel… are you and Sam together?” 

Gabriel shrugs. He wants to be honest with his father, even if he probably will never understand. “In a way.” He says and his father frowns. “We don’t have sex. But we love each other.”

As Gabriel guessed, his father does not really understand. He does not lecture Gabriel on the sins of sodomy, but he looks disappointed before sighing and looking Gabriel straight in the eye. “Are you happy?”

Gabriel nods. “More than I thought I could be.” He says honestly.

…

They live a long happy life together. Gabriel has no regrets when Sam looks at him with a small smile one night just after he has turned eighty and says: “It’s time.”  
He knows he is Heaven bound and that he will have an eternity with his angel. He cannot think of anything better, so he does not hesitate in grabbing Sam’s hand and walking towards the light. The fear he felt all those years ago is gone. It is time to move on to an eternity with Sam.

He smiles as he takes the first steps into his own private Heaven. Here he will be content until the end of days.

**Author's Note:**

> The G.I. Bill was an initiative by the American state after WWII that gave veterans benefits, for example cheap housing, paid college tuitions and very beneficial loans to veterans who wanted to start their own businesses. It was considered very successful, since it greatly improved the American economy. 
> 
> Now this small series have come to an end. I hope you have enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.


End file.
